Thursday, 3 May 2012

Having a weepy day ....

So many things right now are making me feel weepy. And the rain outside is making me feel even weepier. Not warm & cozy or even creative. Just terribly weepy.

I've been sick now for more than 4 weeks & it's clear I'm just not getting better. Very frustrated. I have no energy to do anything except sleep but unfortunately, life doesn't just let us sleep when we need to live, work, love & take care of others. I'm doing the best I can at getting as much rest as possible, letting others take on my tasks, working a shortened work day, saying no to everything I can right now & being very realistic about my limitations. Usually when I'm sick, I plug along & push myself. This time, I've been very kind to myself, in the hopes that by doing so, I'll heal quickly.

Seems to have backfired!

Another chest x~ray this week & 4 now new drugs, including steroids. Hopefully this drug cocktail will work & I can get my strength & energy back.

I was late for work & my work mates waited for me before starting our weekly meeting. That made me feel terribly guilty because I had called to say I would be arriving late & to go ahead. They didn't & now I feel so bad, even though it was their decision & they were so gracious. I carry guilt easily.

During the meeting, it was announced the number of "hits" that our blogs posts get. Each of us has to contribute to the community blog on a rotation basis. Over the last 4 weeks, there have been 4 of us send in our writing & out of the 4, guess who has the least number of hits?

Yup, mine.

So now I think I'm a terrible writer because of the low number of hits compared to the individual who manages the blog. She seemed quite proud about who had the highest (her at 65) & quite unhappy with who had the lowest (me at 34). I'm not sure what the point is to broadcast who has the most & who has the least but she looked straight at me, so now, with my achy "please run me over with a truck, oh, sorry you already did that" body, I am feeling so low emotionally for letting my crew down.

Personally, I quite liked what I wrote but I guess for her, it wasn't good enough.


An individual in my community who tried to take one of my key programs from me 10 years ago, has resurfaced & is reeking havoc again. Questioning my ability to do the work I do. Wondering if my credentials are "good enough" & talking with others behind my back.

Yup. Junior high all over again!

Had to deliver bad news to one of our theatre members, who was hoping that we would take on his production for the coming season. But after careful consideration of his plea, we voted unamionsously against the project. He seemed fine at the meeting & had written on his Facebook page that he would honor & respect whatever the board made, prior to the  meeting. But since then, it's gone down hill, badly. He's sent me note after note after note, revealing his frustrations & disgust that we wouldn't just jump on his project. The issue is the risk to us financially. The theatre company makes money every year to put on next year's show. His last two shows that he did independently did very poorly & word on the street is that he lost a lot of money. We can't take that risk plus factoring in other elements, the clear answer was a no. Hoping he comes around at some point & sees our viewpoint but for now, it's just nasty. And as the President of the theatre company, I'm the fall guy!

Our daughter & grandson have been living with us for 4 months & as much as I love having them around, it has created some chaos in our normally settled life. The house is definitely taking a hit & after living a life for the last few years without toys & cheerios as a primary focus in our decor, its taken a while to get used to things being left out & no order at times. Lots of extra work. Our sleep is different, our schedules had to be readjusted & there are so many things we have to think about now that weren't a focal point for us months ago. But we've managed & I know the good has far outweighed the bad. We even have been planning to build our new house finally, with the 2 of them in mind as our house mates for the next 2 to 4 years as she goes back to school to better her life for her & her baby son. Just getting those pieces in to place & then suddenly, life is turned upside down again!

Her dear husband has had a change of heart & she's moving back home in a couple of weeks.

That was a shock! She was in the process of filing for divorce. Guess he didn't like the finality of it all.

So we're now getting used to the idea that they will move home, to live happily ever after & we'll have our house back to ourselves. Order will be restored.

However, last night, she did ask if she can leave her furniture here "just in case" ....

My head is spinning. Not sure if I'm coming or going .... or who is coming or going.

Feels like a roller coaster. I want to throw up!

Did I ever mention how much I hate roller coasters?

Well I have now!!

Can't wait for our holidays to start in 16.5 short days. To sit by the sea & let this all go will be so healing, not just for my body but my heart as well.

How do you handle stress? Clearly, I'm not doing a good job!


  1. Oh you poor thing! I've been overwhelmed by stuff lately and haven't been able to keep up with my blogging and blog reading, but I'm trying to make up for it now. Your body is under so much stress, no wonder you're sick! I think you deserve a couple of days in bed and too bad about everything and everyone else! I just gave you a Sunshine award so I hope that helps you feel better about yourself at least. I love your blog! :)

  2. Thank you Sammyleia! What a wonderful gift to wake up to today. An honor and a great start to a busy week. I enjoy your blog as well. Love your updates and how much you share about your day. I will pass this lovely award along. Have a great day!